Soooooo Confused

[lunacat]

So................Ok then...............here goes.
I don't usually read much in this section and I never thought I would be writting here...................but here I am.....................typing.
I think more than anythign else I need to get this off my chest..........to share. I am sorry in advance as this may get a bit long. :oops: I fogive you if you close the page half way through.

I have been with my boyfriend for a bit over 10 years, we have lived together for about 8 of these. We have a house (his name on morgage and he pays the "big" bills).

Now don't get me wrong, this is not something that has just popped up. I have been feeling this way for a good few years now. The problem is I don't know if I am "in love" with him anymore. I find myself doing things to distance myself from him, like spending more and more time with my animals or even spending hours infront of the computer.

There are also things that now " repel" me about him. Like I know he works hard, but in his spare time he just sits around (I workl hard too, don't I deserve to do the same), and he is always asking me to "just get this" and "just do me something to eat" and so on. The fact that he never listens when I talk, or when he does listen he give no imput. I feel belittled and stupid and worthless. Even his pysical apperance now turns me off (he is about 6'3" and about 25 stone). I am not saying I am perfect in anyway, by no means I have put on weight myself and "lost interest" in many things. He no longer pays me attention. No little kiss, no loving hugs. All this stopped after about three years. I have now even given up saying "I love you".......it just dioes not feel right.

I know some will say, if you feel this way then don't stay..........easier said then done. He has paid bills for me so I am paying them back. I don't earn a get deal and have my animals to keep (I could not part with these). I just can't not afford to move. Why do I feel such a bitch for thinking "I will say enough to set myself up then leave". Then again, could I actually cope on my own?

Another part of my problem is I have found myself becoming attracted to someone at work (I have been in my jopb for nearly three years).
We work together when our shifts match..............and yes, we muck around and I guess flirt with each other. I get the glances from across the room and the play fighting and the hugs and head ino my shoulder. But I guss I am just welcoming this because of the attention I lack at home. I am reallt attracked to this guy, but don't get me wrong.....I would never make a pass at him. He is married and I would never try to force myself between anyone. That would be wrong. ButI find myslef thinking........."what if". What if he made a pass............would I turn him away? What if he suggested an affair...............would I say no? The probelm is the way I feel know then the answer is NO, I would buckle and go with the flow. Wrong I know.

So you can go ahead and say it.............I am a cow with a boyfriend I do not deserve and shoudl live a celebate life in a cave somewhere...........that is what I would tell me.

There is so much more I want to write, but I just don't know how to put it in words just yet. I am just so confused. If anyone has got to the bottom of this page............I thank you for taking the time to read what I what I have written.

[Ebony]

Oh, Lunacat.....

I "dated" my first husband for about a month before he decided we should get married. I was 19, naive, low self esteem (so his attention was very much desirable), felt very alone in life. The night before the wedding I knew I was making a mistake. 3 years later after my 2nd child was born, I wanted out but felt stuck, didn't know what to do, everyone kept telling me to stay with him........ It was my problem and I had to learn to deal with it.

13 years later, after living a lifetime of fear, abuse, belittlement and degradation, the fear of being alone and unable to make it on my own with 2 teenage kids, won.

Yeah, it was really hard. But I did it.

In my humble opinion, here's what I suggest....

First off, talk to him about your relationship. Tell him that you sense he is unhappy, acts like he's in a rut, appears to be bored with you.

Then confront him on the lack of emotion and affection; let him know you miss it and flat out tell him you feel like he's pulling away from you. Make it all about him "you feel he is" rather than "I feel this or that"

Chances are he will be clueless about what you are talking about.

But before you just pack up and leave, you need to discover what is happening --- with him, with the relationship. You also need to figure out why you are feeling the way you are.

I'm sending you healing energy, strength, and love so you can get through this hard time. I'm here if you need to talk.

(((hugs)))

[watershield]

Sounds to me like the seven year itch.

Just about every married couple goes through a period when the honeymoon is over. We've seattled into a routine (or a rut) and we're no longer attempting to impress our spouse. (married or not)

This is the time when so many relationships start to fall apart.

What you need to do is look for that quality that first brought you togeather. Is it still there? How can it be regindled?

Diet and exercise form a vital part in a relationship as well. If you start getting back into shape, he should become inspired to do the same.
Getting out of the house and doing things again.
Going for walks, swimming at a public pool, clowning around and palying tag at the park.
What sort of things did you enjoy doing togeather 8 years ago?

[catrina]

Lunacat,
I hope you made the right choice and are happy. I'm only just reading this post now. I was like you 18 years ago. Physically degraded and feeling like a doormat. BUT that was after being used as a punchbag by my first husband. (I swapped 1 problem for another.) I am now married to my soulmate who I love dearly.

Take heart and do what you feel is right.

Catrina xxx

[aprildawn]

Some times relationships get boring but ask yourself if you would miss him alot or would you be able to let go. Some times you just need to rediscover why you fell for him in the first place. IF all the things you used to think were cute now annoy you it is probably because you are there all the time. HE probably takes you for granted because you have always been there. Maybe you should spend some time apart and date others and figure out if you would go back to him or not. Maybe things will change at just the suggestion of seeing others and spending time apart. This happened with me and my Now fiance' we broke up for a year because he stopped paying attention to me. Then we both learned that we did not want to live without each other. We were apart for a year and I got pregnant with another man's baby and through all of that he loved me. I am not saying you should go have another man's baby and see if he stays but you should test him a bit and see how deep the love goes. Maybe you guys just forgot to breakup or maybe you forgot to love each other. Either way you have to find out or you will be stuck in the same rut for ever.

[moonbaby18]

Recently I had a friend and her and her boyfriend (of like 5 years or something) went through a rough spot. She lived with my sister and me for a few months, and when her mom moved back from PA she moved in with her. They needed a break. Sometimes thats all that is needed. My other friend was feeling bad about being with her boyfriend, and that he didn't appricate her, and they were going no where. Now that he is working full time, and she is working crazy hours at her work, they hardly see eachother. And she misses him (and they do live together, but he works nights, and she works mostly days to evenings). They got a break, it was a different kind of break, and they are doing a little better (just need to see eachother more). Even if you just take a mini vacation, without him. Tell him you need to think about some things, and just take a time out. She how you feel after that, and go from there. If you find you miss him, or still want to be with him, or if you don't miss him, and don't want to go back, then you guys have to talk. You want to have your thoughs in your head and organized before you talk to him. I hope things get better!!!