Post by airmid on Apr 11, 2008 18:40:00 GMT
Beware, it is definitely TRIGGERING.
My uncle had a prostitution business. I didn't know more. I knew he and his friends imported girls from Eastern Europe and get them to work as prostitutes in this crappy country. I hate saying this out, I once did trust someone and I lost my job, because I do not look like trustworthy if I have someone like him in my family, doesn't matter that I was one of his victims, and I have no more contacts with him.
I saw pictures of the girls. I heard sentences about them. I have never been told anything directly, but I wasn't blind, or hard of earing, I was 16. He started chasing me. Looking for me everywhere. The thing was bigger than I expected, he got his men to chase me. Because there was a fight about an
inheritance and I was in the middle, taking me off, everything was for them, but I was a minor so it meant waiting for me to be 18. Better to get rid of me, isn't it?
He chased me like a fowl, I escaped, I escaped from his men, I escaped from him, his men were meant to control me, he was meant to catch me. He wanted me to work for him, or to kill me, I do not know, he wanted to get rid of me. I escaped, I escaped forever. I was under control, the phone was under control, I was continuously chased by his men, I couldn't put a feet out of
home that there were two, three, behind me.
I couldn't tell my parents, the only time I did they restricted my 'trips out' to going to school only, I was going mad, tailed as a prey when I was going to school and bound in home on the rest of the day. I stopped telling my parents and they forgot about it. I learnt how to confuse those people. I stick in my mind the map of the whole area, I knew every little road, every building that could shade me from their sight, I knew which path was better when it was foggy and which one was better when it was sunny, I knew where there were trees that could hide me, I knew how to confuse them, I learnt it.
One time I was really tired, there was a deep fog, I was tired of escaping and hiding, there were two men behind me, following me while I was walking to school, I was enough fed up to become brave, I suddenly stopped and turned on myself, shouted something like 'so, you want me, I am here, take
me and let's give it a cut!', they stopped, looked surprised, said nothing, turned and started walking away. Guess they didn't want to catch me, not those people, but the other time was different.
One time one of his men chased me in the streets, I asked a person I know to hide me in her garden, she saved me. I cannot wonder what he would do. Another time it was my uncle in person. I was scared about him, he has always been mean with me. I have so many holes about him, I remember sentences, triggers, acts, hands on me, references to rapes, a shower he was with me, I do not want to remember, it was kind of assault but I have no safe memories, and I cannot connect them, I do not have clear memories. I push, sometimes I push mysef for remembering, even if I do not want, but I cannot know much more.
After monthes being tailed, there was a pause of some weeks till a day in which the thing was performed by my ex uncle himself. He was wearing a full helmet while driving a motorbike, I know it was him, it was his body, his behaviour, I know it was him even if I didn't see his face. He chased me, I was on my feet and him on a motorbike. My school was just on a side of a huge and desolate square where they organize local markets on some days, it is completely empty most days, on the school side of the square there is a fence with thre gates, first two little ones and a big on at the end. I just started walking across the square, I saw a motorbike coming towards me, I thought it was ok, it was far, when I realised that it was too strange, had the hint it was him, he was already enough close to me, I ran to the fence, there is a little gate there, some time ago I managed to have the key, I rushed to it with the key ready, opened it and closed it behind
me, couldn't close it with the key, he was just there, I started running towards the school, nobody around, it was early morning, he entered the garden and followed me, I thought I couldn't win it, I thought that time was different, I couldn't make it out. I jumped the fence, had to step into some short tree, scraped my hands, started running along the fence, towards the
second little gate, he was going on for exiting the garden from the big gate, because the second one has a step and he couldn't do it, and then catching me out, I knew I only had to reach the school, then it was ok, there were people around, I knew I would be safe there. He exited the garden from the big gate and came back to me, I could rush through the second little gate and went to the school entrance, last thing I remember is I turned my head and saw him looking at me, from the second little gate, I thought I made it out, I won that time as well, but what when I'll go out of
school? I was scared, shaking and worried, I told my friend, she knew a bit of the whole story. When I went out of school that day, he wasn't there, I felt relieved, but asked myself how will the following days be, would he try again? Was I going to be part of his 'harem'?
I started a file on my old pc, I called it 'sun' and put it among the system files, where nobody would ever search, there I wrote everything, then I told my friend about that file and asked her to deliver it to the police in case something bad happened. I couldn't do differently, my parents would never let me go out if I told them about it, and I had no way to report this to anybody else, I just managed to set things in case they would catch me.
I wanted to do something for the girls, but I didn't know enough. If they were so bad with me, I knew they were worse with the girls. I wanted to help them. I was stupidly 16 and wanted to help them. I didn't know where they kept them. I wanted to find them, I wantd to set them free. I knew it wasn't far, I had a clue on where it might me. I wanted to call the police but I was a minor, they would have spoken with my parents, I would achieve
nothing. I wanted to reach for the girls and set them free from myself, things got so worse, I was continuously chased by them. I learnt escape so well, and I realised I couldn't do anything for the girls. I could hardly keep myself safe, reaching out for the girls wasn't possible.
I was alone.
And they were alone.
As soon as I refused the inheritance, leaving everything to him, keeping only my own memory for me, he stopped it. I do not know anything about him now, jailed, or dead, it doesn't matter. I only hope he can't hurt anyone now.
A therapist called it 'stalking', I have never even heard that name before, yes, now I call it stalking as well but I'm not sure it fits, I think that 'hunting' is much more fitting. Sometimes I feel like I can't get rid of him, sometimes I still see him, if I go around the flat at night, or I feel his hands on me, sometimes it feels real, like if he was still there. Some things have entered my usual behaviour like walking as silently as possible, it has its own advantages, I usually see wild animals when I go trekking,
some others do not, like feeling like I always have a way to escape from everywhere I am. It is no more a fresh event, it didn't happen 'yesterday', it has been years now, but it has always felt the same.
Following the stalking there've been further abuses going on, by different people, an abusive boyfriend and a rape. But I am not a victim of them anymore, I'm a survivor.
My uncle had a prostitution business. I didn't know more. I knew he and his friends imported girls from Eastern Europe and get them to work as prostitutes in this crappy country. I hate saying this out, I once did trust someone and I lost my job, because I do not look like trustworthy if I have someone like him in my family, doesn't matter that I was one of his victims, and I have no more contacts with him.
I saw pictures of the girls. I heard sentences about them. I have never been told anything directly, but I wasn't blind, or hard of earing, I was 16. He started chasing me. Looking for me everywhere. The thing was bigger than I expected, he got his men to chase me. Because there was a fight about an
inheritance and I was in the middle, taking me off, everything was for them, but I was a minor so it meant waiting for me to be 18. Better to get rid of me, isn't it?
He chased me like a fowl, I escaped, I escaped from his men, I escaped from him, his men were meant to control me, he was meant to catch me. He wanted me to work for him, or to kill me, I do not know, he wanted to get rid of me. I escaped, I escaped forever. I was under control, the phone was under control, I was continuously chased by his men, I couldn't put a feet out of
home that there were two, three, behind me.
I couldn't tell my parents, the only time I did they restricted my 'trips out' to going to school only, I was going mad, tailed as a prey when I was going to school and bound in home on the rest of the day. I stopped telling my parents and they forgot about it. I learnt how to confuse those people. I stick in my mind the map of the whole area, I knew every little road, every building that could shade me from their sight, I knew which path was better when it was foggy and which one was better when it was sunny, I knew where there were trees that could hide me, I knew how to confuse them, I learnt it.
One time I was really tired, there was a deep fog, I was tired of escaping and hiding, there were two men behind me, following me while I was walking to school, I was enough fed up to become brave, I suddenly stopped and turned on myself, shouted something like 'so, you want me, I am here, take
me and let's give it a cut!', they stopped, looked surprised, said nothing, turned and started walking away. Guess they didn't want to catch me, not those people, but the other time was different.
One time one of his men chased me in the streets, I asked a person I know to hide me in her garden, she saved me. I cannot wonder what he would do. Another time it was my uncle in person. I was scared about him, he has always been mean with me. I have so many holes about him, I remember sentences, triggers, acts, hands on me, references to rapes, a shower he was with me, I do not want to remember, it was kind of assault but I have no safe memories, and I cannot connect them, I do not have clear memories. I push, sometimes I push mysef for remembering, even if I do not want, but I cannot know much more.
After monthes being tailed, there was a pause of some weeks till a day in which the thing was performed by my ex uncle himself. He was wearing a full helmet while driving a motorbike, I know it was him, it was his body, his behaviour, I know it was him even if I didn't see his face. He chased me, I was on my feet and him on a motorbike. My school was just on a side of a huge and desolate square where they organize local markets on some days, it is completely empty most days, on the school side of the square there is a fence with thre gates, first two little ones and a big on at the end. I just started walking across the square, I saw a motorbike coming towards me, I thought it was ok, it was far, when I realised that it was too strange, had the hint it was him, he was already enough close to me, I ran to the fence, there is a little gate there, some time ago I managed to have the key, I rushed to it with the key ready, opened it and closed it behind
me, couldn't close it with the key, he was just there, I started running towards the school, nobody around, it was early morning, he entered the garden and followed me, I thought I couldn't win it, I thought that time was different, I couldn't make it out. I jumped the fence, had to step into some short tree, scraped my hands, started running along the fence, towards the
second little gate, he was going on for exiting the garden from the big gate, because the second one has a step and he couldn't do it, and then catching me out, I knew I only had to reach the school, then it was ok, there were people around, I knew I would be safe there. He exited the garden from the big gate and came back to me, I could rush through the second little gate and went to the school entrance, last thing I remember is I turned my head and saw him looking at me, from the second little gate, I thought I made it out, I won that time as well, but what when I'll go out of
school? I was scared, shaking and worried, I told my friend, she knew a bit of the whole story. When I went out of school that day, he wasn't there, I felt relieved, but asked myself how will the following days be, would he try again? Was I going to be part of his 'harem'?
I started a file on my old pc, I called it 'sun' and put it among the system files, where nobody would ever search, there I wrote everything, then I told my friend about that file and asked her to deliver it to the police in case something bad happened. I couldn't do differently, my parents would never let me go out if I told them about it, and I had no way to report this to anybody else, I just managed to set things in case they would catch me.
I wanted to do something for the girls, but I didn't know enough. If they were so bad with me, I knew they were worse with the girls. I wanted to help them. I was stupidly 16 and wanted to help them. I didn't know where they kept them. I wanted to find them, I wantd to set them free. I knew it wasn't far, I had a clue on where it might me. I wanted to call the police but I was a minor, they would have spoken with my parents, I would achieve
nothing. I wanted to reach for the girls and set them free from myself, things got so worse, I was continuously chased by them. I learnt escape so well, and I realised I couldn't do anything for the girls. I could hardly keep myself safe, reaching out for the girls wasn't possible.
I was alone.
And they were alone.
As soon as I refused the inheritance, leaving everything to him, keeping only my own memory for me, he stopped it. I do not know anything about him now, jailed, or dead, it doesn't matter. I only hope he can't hurt anyone now.
A therapist called it 'stalking', I have never even heard that name before, yes, now I call it stalking as well but I'm not sure it fits, I think that 'hunting' is much more fitting. Sometimes I feel like I can't get rid of him, sometimes I still see him, if I go around the flat at night, or I feel his hands on me, sometimes it feels real, like if he was still there. Some things have entered my usual behaviour like walking as silently as possible, it has its own advantages, I usually see wild animals when I go trekking,
some others do not, like feeling like I always have a way to escape from everywhere I am. It is no more a fresh event, it didn't happen 'yesterday', it has been years now, but it has always felt the same.
Following the stalking there've been further abuses going on, by different people, an abusive boyfriend and a rape. But I am not a victim of them anymore, I'm a survivor.