all this guilt...

[burntsienna]

I, somewhat recently, took a large leap of faith and asked for/accepted help with healing. I've been blessed so profoundly and by so many genuinely concerned, loving people - who embraced me and changed my life. The problem is, there is some kind of horrible bad energy haunting/stalking me and two separate times now, when two different people were sending me healing they were subjected to this awful energy. One opted out, broke the connection - I didn't blame him. But I miss him. The other is as stubborn as me, will continue to help and send healing, and I quite strongly suspect that a third person has been subjected to this as well, & isn't telling me. I am feeling eaten alive by guilt at what a drain I am on these people's time and energy. There are several of them now that I have such a connection with and true affinity for. They are brilliant and funny and wise beyond wise. (Wise with exponents!) BUT, I am having serious doubts as to whether I made a huge mistake in reaching out to begin with, let myself become so attached to this group of incredible people who are now suffering because of me. It breaks my heart and I don't know what to do. It has me thinking my parents may have been right all along, that I'm 'bad' and was/am a mistake. I am not in any way talking along suicidal lines, I don't believe in that as an option, ever - but I have been feeling like my new and precious, cherished friends would be better off if I disappeared from the picture, let them get back to their lives - all of which were plenty full and busy before me and all my health crisis issues. I am really sick, crying and throwing up, over how I could have let this happen. I never would have caused anyone pain or worry over me, never meant to be such a source of irritation or a constant bother. I know they'd say I'm not - but now that this bad energy thing has snuck up and made itself seen and felt by somebody I am getting really close to- AGAIN - makes me feel more guilty than I can handle. I talk too much, I need too much - and that's never been "me" - I am a wreck over this. The very worst part is I'm too selfish to vanish and lose them, I'm too hopeful they will and can help me, and too weak to fight this alone. I hate being and feeling vulnerable and needy and clingy and whiny - I loathe myself for opening all of this up and now fear that whatever bad energy is attached to me and tries to keep others from helping me heal will do to their lives what it has done to mine all these years. I would never have unleashed this on anyone, and now it's too late and I'm so afraid and so terribly sorry. Again, I have talked too much and too long. I'm sorry. If anyone knows how to detach this force, to keep it from being able to get near my friends - I've been unwilling to even risk HAVING friends for so, so long - and now I do and look how bad that's turning out for them. Why can't I just shut up?? It's just that my health is so bad right now that my own powers and energy aren't seeming to be enough to banish thoroughly or protect effectively. Does somebody know how? Thank you, and I am sorry for going on and on. Bless you all.

[airmid]

I would say you have no reason to be guilty, your accepting healing and reaching out is avery positive step, Goddess knows how much it takes me to reach out, or at least to begin accepting the idea, I only do when I am really overloaded.
The fact that during healing, some energy may be nasty, or the healer can live what the receiver experiences in form of empahty (been there done that) is ok, it's something all healers are prepared to and are aware can happen. It is in NO way your fault and reaching out is OK, actually, it is the best you can do.
It is not your fault if some of your energy gets transfrred to the healer and he/she suffers from it, actually the healer should shield before doing anything and in any way, healers know how to deal with this because really, it happens so frequently! Most nurses catch colds form patients, then does this make the patients bad people? So you are nothing new in this, neither this makes you a bad person, you are ok. And please...keep reaching out, it really is te best we can do. (((((burntsienna)))) if ok

[watershield]

Hello Burntsienna
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I sense that within the past 6 months you have used a ouija board or similar type of devination tool.
In so doing I feel that you connected with a shade or minor demon (if you) will from the astral plane. Shades aren't really very strong and can easily be over come by just ordering it away and visualizing your own blinding light burning this shadow into oblivion.
But in this case, you seem to be feeding it with your own doubts and fears. In turn you are drawing upon the energies of those you care for in order to suppliment your energy and in turn continuing to feed this thing.

I want you to close your eyes and see nothing but darkness.
In the centre of that darkness see a candle flame. Watch it as it's golden light grows larger and hoter. Let it grow larger and larger until it fills you, over flows from you and builds like a great bubble. See this shadow being pushed back by it.
See that shadow shatter and break like a piece of glass. Watch as it melts and fades from view.
Hold that bubble and slowly let it's light dim. Allow it to shrink back inside, drawing back to just a small candle flame, then darkness. Take a few deep breaths and open your eyes.
This negative energy will be gone and bother you no more.
You can do this. I can sense this thing and know how weak it is.

[burntsienna]

watershield ~~ whoa. such good help you are! i didn't use an ouija board at all....just dreamed of my own past and family...but they would use these in or against any good...
am re-reading and looking at this candle flame...you don't know how imperative your timing is - thank you so very much...please tell me again it is weak - it keeps calling here and your help is paramount - i have this strength with me now - you have been a part of something huge this night - it will leave and stay gone... love to you
~~~grateful...thank you.

[watershield]

As I re read this post from begining to end, I don't feel this shadow anymore.
I'm sure you did it and it's gone. Well done.

It's not a bad idea to ground every night and get rid of the negative energy you've been expossed to during the day.

Sit comfortably, let you mind go blank. Focus on your breathing.
As you breath in, push your stomach out. Exhale by drawing your stomach in.
Slowly, visualize your foot. See it become a tree root. See it grow and dig deep into the earth. Feel the energy of the earth and allow it to flow up and into you. Feel it flow through you, around you picking up little dark pieces of dust or dirt.
Now see this energy flow back into the earth carrying with it those dark pieces
All those dark bits are your worries, your illnesses, your aches and your pains. All those little things that build all day long.
Let them flow away from you, back into the earth.
Now slow that flow. Slower until it stops. See your root withdrawing shrinking returning back to you as a foot.
Again focus on your breathing. Now, a deep breath and open your eyes.

[burntsienna]

thank you, Watershield. thank you a lot. i am trying.