Hurt so i Hurt back

[py]

I have to share this because i feel less than good about a decision i made this week. I came into a little of money through my divorce, and hve been really good about putting it away. Well, i have a boss whom i have known for about 3 years. He is a great guy to a fault always helping other's trying to be the one people can count on. Well he and i have taken on our stores catering and doing well until a new General manager comeson the scene. This boss i will call "E" , doesnt like the new "general" saying constantly that the new"general" is lazy and doenst give credit where credit is due. Well the first incident happened with a large catering order that i really needed "e"s help with and there were 2 of them back to back. "e" decided that he "couldnt" be there to help...E told me earlier that he wasnt going to help the new"general" and told the "general" that he had family business to take care of ...I really belive that "E" didnt come to help on purpose there by causing the orders to go out late and us losing 2 customers. The second incident came when "E" told His "big" boss that i didnt want to go to a meeting because it was outside of my availability when i told him that i would attend the meeting and why wasnt "E" going to be there....anywho before this transpired i offered "E" some money to do something he really wanted to do, but i felt betrayed by him when he told our "big" boss that..so i told "E" that i couldnt get the money out of the bank to help him. I immediately felt bad like i always do...I feel justified in my decision, yet strangely like i should still have loaned him the money i just find it hard to lend someone money when i dont trust you any more....
so iam writing this here to vent and calm my soul and sen d out prayers to "E" that he gets the money he needs to do what he really wants to do, it just wont come from me....
is that bad?
is that wrong?

it's so hard to trust people now adays and i feel like i wont be treated any kind of way when i feel like i go out of my way to be nice....

I pray the goddess that he gets what he needs...
py

[py]

So i will sneak back in and answer myself with another rant.What a day today..I am now faced with the fact of what am i going to do? go find another job, put up or shut up, or change my behavior...
So yesterday when making a delivery for the restraunt, i return to a pretty negative feeling air about the place. I get the the front door 2 customers are peeved having been skipped over for a table. No problem(new hostess) seat them in my section go into the kitchen comeout and there is an angry man at the salad bar...he gets mad(no lettuce) walks away so i go to his table 'is there anything i can do to help.' 'no 'he says angrily tell the waitress i dont want my food (crap, its HER table) (she will be mad) so i tell her and she gets mad...and of course i immediately take it personally. i know better than to piss her off...tell her boyfriend(he is managing today)to take care of the gentle man because he is PISSED!!! Not sure what happens after that but manager comes back and says 'he's a jerk!!' ok...meanwhile she is storming around and i am thinking 'she's mad at ME'...yes of course the world travels around me all the time....so things are icy later but ok. she comes in this morning and we are fine...until...I decide to tell my boss in private what happened with the customer. and how the manager on duty(her boyfriend) said that the man complaning was a jerk etc....what does boss man do...make mention of it in front of HER questioning what happened. She explains it but i feel her getting mad at me because her and her boyfriend didnt say anything...iwas the only one there at the time that was there at the time so it had to h ave been me right?!!
so today was icy at best...i talked with her as much as i could to feel her out and see if she would say anything but she talked to other people not to me....
In the long and the short of it , i am highly upset and scared to face her...and i am thinking to myself

if she is mad at me does it really matter?
if she doesnt talk to me at work will i die?
could i come to work and NOT talk to her AT ALL?

Herein lies my dilema....how come i am hurting over this...scared to death. I am almost 40 and scared to death of a 20 year old who is spoiled rotten and silly....we used to kinda be friends then we got into a fight and now things are O.K. now they are worse...
so why do i worry so much about what people think? it makes me so ill to realize that i let people have so much power over me.....but i am not sure how to fix it.....

[py]

So i come back from a work meeting feeling like maybe i have fallen out of the good graces of my bosses..neither have spoken to me all day...although , we WERE having a meeting...i know at alot of times in my life lately i tend to be paranoid about how people think of me..as if it matters...but i figure i can test things...if i do seem to be iced out i can go ahead and look for a new job...or this is the perfect oportunity to learn how to go on with my day not worried about what people think...I wish i had some friends..people i feel comfortable with..people i can trust...people that wont reveal my feelings that will always love me and be nice to me...i wish i had some friends...i feel so lonely...My boyfriend is here for me...he loves me...but he has his children and his family in close proximity...no one from my family calls me...my sister s and my daughter would rather not travel to see me here, but want to take a trip to Hawaii ...no one wants to be around me...so i am detatching myself from everyone...i have to learn how to trust myself and lean on myself...it's so hard....life can be so hurtful....
py

[airmid]

Hugs (((py))) if ok

Lean here, I have a bue how it feels to have to lean on ourselves only.
We are listening to whatever you want to share.

[py]

I am so glad....someone is listening
Here i am back again..I suppose maybe i need to be resi9gned to the fact theat i will be alone in my feelings..alone with my thoughts, I posted somewhere today and got no feedback...I was very angry this morning when i woke up...alot to do with my job again(must be a sign)I feel like i put in so much effort and get really nothing in return...but it is the nature of the beast...But i feel so alone...until 6 or so when my Love comes home...Any angry and alone is not a good thing when you are a recovering alkie like me.. When i went into work today i felt sad all day...people asked what was wrong but i cant toalk to them...i think i miss my child...i dont think she loves me any more...no one in my family calls me or sends me emails...i have no one at work to talk to ...i dont trust any of them....Not sure whats wrong with me today...yesterday i had these terrible customers. and i had to pay back the 10$ gas money for taking THEIR delivery...so when i told my boss about it today he basiacally said that it was over and done with ...so i lose 10$ and no one cares...but i do everything i can for that job...HUMPH!!!! corporate america....so i was mad yesterday and i come home and my Love acted like nothing happened...oh it's over now he says like just because he is home i should feel better...i usally do but not then...maybe i can lean here and on the Goddess..I pray to her as much as i can...i feel better when i do....i feel sick at how angry i have been lately...like if you say the right thing to me i will cry...but i wont let anyone in....never people always use it against you later....

Thank you Airmid..I appreciate the hug

((((((((airmid)))))))) (((((((((((((((((unveil a secret)))))))))

py

[py]

Just a little rant...a little rage...so angry this morning...not sure why....my dog got loose which threw me into a tizzy because of course since i didnt train her or spend anytime with her, she wont come to me when i call...so of course she took off and i am at her whim if she decides to come back...i am so angry at myself...job is driving me insane with their corporate bullcrap...i can run all their deliveries for them as long gas is out of MY pocket...No one cares...my poor Love is not sure what is wrong with me...i dont know. it started yesterday with a delivery of food that leaked all over my car now the seat smells like buttery green beens, when i get back my boss says i will have to give back the 10$ for gas because (god forbid) the store will be short...but the manager in question doesnt mind helping out the "poor Mexican salad bar ladies" whenever they need it(no disrespect intended) I try and pray to the Goddess but my anger is so strong that i fly off the handle and nothing helps that burning knot in the pit of my stomach....so in trying to help my dog, and spray some stuff on her ears so the flies dont eatr her ears, she wiggles out of her collar and she is gone....no collar and of course she ont come to me so goddess knows how i am going to get this dog back on her chain....maybe i am just not made to love anything, maybe i am not made to take care of anything..maybe i am doomed to a life a selfishness only thinking of me and how things affect me...I am soo angry right now,,,at myself my job the people i work with who claim they are my friends but dont hear me when i have a problem, i always give advice and everyone seems to aske me for advice, but know one has a shoulder for me to lean on...no one has a ear to lend to me when i feel like crap...my child wont call me...my family doesnt seem to want to see me...oh yea unless i instigate it, why do i have to be the one for people to lean on, why do i have to initiate the first stepps everytime? maybe i dont but it sure feels like it...when is someone going to take care of me??? oh yea thats right i am a grown woman time to take care of myself!! right?! Goddess help me....

just me ranting
py

i wrote this elsewehere a few days ago and no one answered...am i truly alone..does no one care? i always feel that way when i post my secret feelings...am i alone?

not one person answered or offered hope for me after a few days...i hate posting , no one cares..they say they do....but they dont seem to...am i to face all this pain i feel by myself?
py

[Spiritsong]

No, PY, Dearheart....

You are never alone. Please know that, always, there is great love around you... you might just need to calm the storm on the waters of your mind so that you can feel it and hear it. There is an ocean of perfect love just for you, just as you are--all your fabulous flaws, imperfections, and gorgeous potentials too.

May I suggest...that you take the steps to actually express this love to yourself? In so doing, you will remove many barriers that allow it to be expressed in your life.

In my thoughts, I see and pray this for you:

You lock your doors, turn off your phone, turn off any artificial lights, and light a white candle or two. You burn something with a fragrance that calms and soothes you the best. You play soft, rhythmic music with no words as you strip down to your most natural state, appreciating your body in golden candle light for the wonder that it most truly is. Wherever you feel the most comfortable--in your bed, in a comfy chair, or in a warm bath with your favorite oil--you lie back and close your eyes.

In your mind's eye, you see an ancient stone bridge spanning a tinkling crystal stream. When you cross it, you are in a beautiful field full of your favorite flowers--with lilac, roses, and lavender too--filling the air with delicate, sweet perfume.

In the distance there is a tall green tree; under the shade of this tree is a beautiful being in a halo of light. As you get closer, you can see the face of your Spirit Guardian. Your Guardian's face is not at all strange. It seems as though you have always known it, and are just seeing it again after a long absence. Your embrace is as unavoidable as gravity. As you feel the arms of your Guardian envelop you, a love more complete, more unconditional than any you have never known before floods over you, bathing you in electric warmth.

The scent of the flowers is intoxicating, and so inviting that you cannot resist lying down. The petals feel softer than silk against your skin. Your beautiful Guardian is sitting with back against the tree and arms wrapped around you in a loving embrace. Your head is cushioned against your Guardian's shoulder. Nothing in the world can harm you here; you are completely safe, completely loved...a child of the light.

And in this way, dear PY, you drift off to sleep--clearly feeling the reality of those arms around you and the love that is yours.

When you wake the next day, things are different. There is a subtle shift of energies, which becomes stronger and stronger each day--as do you.

~Love and Light~

Spiritsong

[py]

Thank you Spiritsong...i appreciate the response and the meditation...I wil use it ,Thank you thank you!!!..I am here for you if you ever need a shoulder.....

yours greatfully
py

[Spiritsong]

You are most welcome PY!

Have things improved for you yet at all?

~SS~

[py]

I feel better..alot better..i have decided not to post to forums hurts my feelings...i have come to a sort of resolution...i am not a child anymore..i am a grown adult...i can do what i want and have to deal with the feelings as they come..i have decided that i CAN live my life without the closeness of family..myself and the goddess can be my family...i am starting to look to her for comfort, for embrace...look to her for guidance and love...My home is peaceful, the love at my home is strong...i get so wrapped up in emotion that i feel like i am alone...but as you say spiritsong, i am not really alone...Its so hard to remember that when things you are used to are gone...i heard from my daughter and she seems ok...so i walk my path in the shadow of the goddess and come here when i need to vent...

thank you spiritsong for being there...((((((((HUGZ)))))) to you...thank you...
feel free to use my sholder if you need it...my email is available if you ever need a friend!!!

py

[py]

((((HUGZ ))))))) to you also Airmid....
py

[Airmid]

Thank you Py.