Post by py on May 9, 2007 22:14:53 GMT
As it is coming upon my birthday and mother's day i feel like i must write this out, in my favorite place to write this kind of thing.
my mother...i havent spoken to her in a few months, she called saying she would be close by and i had just woken up and i suppose she felt the not sure what she felt...but she hasnt called me since. She doesnt live close to me..she never has...when she comes to visit it feels like there is supposed to be fanfare surrounding her visit.you dont see her often....Once ever year or two. she calls seldom but with a detatched ness...the one i always felt around her growing up.I still feel the fear when i talk to her, even when she is far away.
when i was younger i was abused terribly by her...as i have gotten older i find tht this is not unusual. Alot of people are abused growing up and have to find ways to cope. I spent alot of my life an alchohhlic and through the goddess and my will i have managed to stay off the drink for 3 years now, strongly heading to the 3 and a half mark. in my change of my life i have realized that it may be ok to cut her out of my life. but as mother's day aproaches i feel the old tug to send her a mother's day card. none of the cards say anything that fit. she wasnt a great mother, she wasnt supportive, she wasnt loving...what is there left to say.
i know this sounds whiny of me, but i have discovered that i can let that go if i need to. and in order to stay true to myself i feel like i need to leave her be until i can not be afraid, until she doesnt make me feel so nervous i want to drink. i felt like i had to express this. i cannot have contact with her right now. she wont understand she never will, she doesnt even think or remember what she has done to me. but i remember altho i think that as i am getting older i am starting to forget...no happy no sad just nothing, well some things...
had to release that
thank you
for listening
py
my mother...i havent spoken to her in a few months, she called saying she would be close by and i had just woken up and i suppose she felt the not sure what she felt...but she hasnt called me since. She doesnt live close to me..she never has...when she comes to visit it feels like there is supposed to be fanfare surrounding her visit.you dont see her often....Once ever year or two. she calls seldom but with a detatched ness...the one i always felt around her growing up.I still feel the fear when i talk to her, even when she is far away.
when i was younger i was abused terribly by her...as i have gotten older i find tht this is not unusual. Alot of people are abused growing up and have to find ways to cope. I spent alot of my life an alchohhlic and through the goddess and my will i have managed to stay off the drink for 3 years now, strongly heading to the 3 and a half mark. in my change of my life i have realized that it may be ok to cut her out of my life. but as mother's day aproaches i feel the old tug to send her a mother's day card. none of the cards say anything that fit. she wasnt a great mother, she wasnt supportive, she wasnt loving...what is there left to say.
i know this sounds whiny of me, but i have discovered that i can let that go if i need to. and in order to stay true to myself i feel like i need to leave her be until i can not be afraid, until she doesnt make me feel so nervous i want to drink. i felt like i had to express this. i cannot have contact with her right now. she wont understand she never will, she doesnt even think or remember what she has done to me. but i remember altho i think that as i am getting older i am starting to forget...no happy no sad just nothing, well some things...
had to release that
thank you
for listening
py