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Post by aprildawn on May 5, 2007 17:59:08 GMT
I am getting married soon and I feel like it is unfair to my husband to be to be thinking the thoughts I have been thinking. Not that I have been thinking of cheating or anything like that. I have not been able to get over my hatred (and I don't use that word for just anyone whom I dislike) for my ex. He got me pregnant and dumped me a week after I found out. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. He was very mentally abusive and alway said I was the one abusing him and I was controlling and just turned everything around on me. I can't stop thinking about how he treated me, and when I look at my son I feel bad knowing that one day I will have to explain that his daddy is not his bio. father. I can't stop thinking about him how could a person just not care about such a beautiful baby. People tell me that I am the lucky one cause I get to know my son and I have an even better father for him so he is better off. This is all true but there is some part of me that wants his family and him involved in his life or something. My fiance' doesn't like to hear about it cause he feels like he has made up for what was missing and in so many ways he has. The feeling of wanting to see the father of my child still gets to me sometimes. I don't know much about him who were his grandparents what nationality is he and lots of things like that. HE only ever told me lies so the only thing I do know about him is that he was a liar and I don't want to tell my son the negative things about who his real father was. I just wish I had some facts or something but I know that it will never happen. My son is a year old now; everyone told me he would be curious when my son was born and show up wanting to at least meet him. He even threatened to try to fight for custody but none of that happened.He never gave me a proper reason he just told me to leave and wouldn't speak to me again, he called once at 5am and said some drunken stupid stuff and then the next day to say that he never hurt me or lied to me but he was sorry for calling. He is still living the same old pathetic life as he always was. He is 32 years old and still goes out 4 or 5 nights a week to get drunk and play poker with his friends. I want to stop thinking about him so that I can concentrate on my relationship with My fiance'. I am just so confused and angry and all sorts of messed up about all of this, If anyone has any advice they could give about how to get some closure I would like that very much.
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Post by Ebony on May 8, 2007 8:20:19 GMT
Aprildawn,
I understand where you are in your thoughts. Several things come to mind as I read your posts.
First off, you should not be getting married to give your child a daddy. It sounds to me like this is one of the reasons you said yes.
Also, if you have so many reservations, and are already thinking you might cheat on your fiance before you are even married, perhaps you should rethink getting married in the first place. If you go into a relationship knowing you might, or may, not stay, or not stay faithful in, you will fail in the relationship. I suggest you give this marriage some serious thought before proceeding.
As for wanting your ex to be hurting, that is totally out of your control, and chances are you will never know. What is in your control is managing your own feelings. I've been there so I know. I would love to know how much pain my ex was in when we split up. But all I was getting by being so vindictive was headaches, missed sleep, and ulcers. And I still don't know if he was hurting, and I don't give a crap either way. He's not my concern anymore.
So the first step is to get over this guy! He left you, kicked you out when you desperately needed him. He is scum. So your baby does not know his biological daddy, big deal. Consider him as 'sperm doner' and not as "father." There is nothing you can do or say to make his family reconsider wanting to know this child. By worrying about it, keeping your mind focused on their loss, you are missing out on your happiness. Besides, if they show interest and want to fight it, you just might loose this precious boy of yours. So stop wanting them to get involved! Again, they are scum.
Start turning your mind to the positive things in your life. Your baby for one. He needs you, not someone who doesn't care about him. Rethink the marriage. If you can't get past the feelings of wanting to cheat, not wanting to grow old together, then don't do it. Just don't. It will cause everyone pain in the end, especially your baby. If you let him grow up knowing this man as his daddy, then rip his daddy away from him, well, I think you know where I'm going with this.
You mention your fiance is sad when you talk about wanting your ex to know his baby. You are no longer with your ex, so STOP talking about him! Your man is right - let it go. He's willing to be the daddy, wants to be the daddy, stop creating hurt for everyone by keeping selfish and vindictive thoughts in your mind.
sorry to be so harsh about this, but do some heavy thinking on it. Staying stuck in the pain is not good. Lying to yourself and your fiance is not good. Wanting vengeance is not good. Put your life in perspective.
You are in my thoughts.
Blessings~
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Post by aprildawn on May 11, 2007 3:41:15 GMT
i said i would never cheat. I wasn't thinking of cheating and I didn't say yes to get my son a dad. I have been with this man for 6 years before i was with my son's father and now another year and a half after i broke up with that guy. I know he is scum but I can't help but wonder if it will damage my son to tell him that his real dad didn't want to meet him. I don't mention these things to my fiance' but i still think about it . I am however starting to let go but i look at my son and think how could someone not love this little angel. But so you know I honestly didn't say or mean to say that I thought of cheating I wrote that i wouldn't cheat. I am seriosly not that type of girl even if I didn't love my fiance' as my best friend and lover I would never cheat on anyone I think it is cruel and totaly avoidable, there is never an excuse for it.
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Post by aprildawn on May 11, 2007 3:57:09 GMT
I don't talk about it to my fiance' cause of the fact I know it bothers him so don't tell me to stop talkin about it. That is my problem I can't talk about it with anyone cause my best friend will be hurt if he hears me talk about it. you got it all wrong please read it again or something cause all you did was hurt me!
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Post by Ebony on May 11, 2007 20:00:12 GMT
Aprildawn
I am terribly sorry if I misinterpreted your initial post. The last thing I meant to do is hurt you. I usually take one or two sentences like these, make comments, then move on to the next few sentences. After reading your post again, I am not finding the phrases I was going by when I answered you the first time.
Wow. That must have been a bad night for me! I do apologize again for misinterpreting and hope you can disregard what I have said that was not properly interpreted. The written word leaves much room for interpretation, positive or negative. I do the best I can to interpret correctly. Here's a few examples of why I said what I said.
I sorry, but I swear there was more here, that I read several times that you were afraid you might cheat in the future, which prompted me to say what I did.
Again, I interpreted this as meaning you have tried several times to talk to your fiance, and he asked that you didn't because it hurts him. That he is doing the best he can to be a good daddy for your son.
My comments on this and several similar sentences, led to say stop dwelling on this and move on, stop wanting to know if he is hurting or not. Chances are he's not and he could care less about you or the child he made. I thought you wanted advice on how to move on, but if you didn't then I apologize for saying negative things about your ex. I just don't think it very healthy for you to continue dwelling on, and wanting your ex, to be part of your baby's life. It does no one any good and is better off for you if he's not. That can be more painful to the child than having a uncaring person trying to pretend he cares.
I speak from experience here as a similar thing happened to my sister. She raised her 2 boys by herself, without even the help of another husband as she didn't get remarried until the boys were out and on their own. When they were old enough to start asking questions about their dad, she didn't say anything bad, but told them if they could find him, they could go talk to him. They did find him, drunk at a bar he frequented all the time, and decided my sis did right - he was still scum after all those years. He was 46 or 47. You can't change him - only yourself can you change.
I just feel like you are keeping yourself in a bad place, mentally, still wanting to be with, at least in your mind, with this person who hurt you so terribly. You have to get over it, stop wanting to know his thoughts, live in the life you are building today, and forget about the past life you were thrown out of.
So again, I'm sorry I interpreted your post wrong.
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Post by aprildawn on May 12, 2007 0:33:17 GMT
I see what you mean. thank you for reading it again. It is one of my worst pet peeves to be misunderstood. And I am sure you understand why the whole cheating comment really bothered me. At least you cared enough to reread it. No harm done I just wanted you to know that I am not as bad as you probably thought when you first read my post. I know what you mean by the written word being hard to interpret cause I think when I dont talk to a friend in person for a bit stuff that is said through text and e- mail starts to be taken the wrong way. d**n TECHNOLOGY! Any way I am relived to know that you have a better understanding of what I ment.
Thank you again.
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Post by aprildawn on May 12, 2007 0:40:58 GMT
Although it kind of hurts to hear that he probably doesn't care at all about the child he created it is also kind of a relief because now I won't have to worry about him showing up out of nowhere to cause trouble for my beautiful family. Also he only broke it off because i refused to give up my friends and certain members of my family he was abusive and was trying to isolate me. So now I will let it go because I know that I am truely better off, And I can only assume that on any given day my life is ten times better than his because I don't think he would have treated me that way if he didn't hate himself.
I really feel much better now; thank you!
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